unsettled

It's been two weeks since we broke up. He won't leave me alone. It's getting frightening the way he shows up without an invitation; at home, at work, it's getting creepy. The look in his eyes is unsettling; slowly it's starting to feel like ice at the base of my neck when he's around.

The energy is building

Have you ever felt like something huge is about to happen? I can feel the energy building, swirling, changing... it's very exciting! I'm just going to 'keep my eyes on the prize' and make the right decisions, that is important to do. I also need to wipe clean the fog of negativity that builds around me; I do contribute to that fog myself sometimes. But I really think that some of my negative fog is absorbed from outside sources. BIG CHANGES ARE COMING!

were your parents like this? he asks

It's hard and frightening, opening up to another person, telling them EVERYTHING you dream, fear, every little piece of light and darkness about yourself... It's disappointing and damaging, trying to open up and having someone interrupt with THEIR ideas about your dream or a dismissal of your fears while not appreciating your light and making you feel ashamed of your darkness... The dark side of a person has a purpose, it's a lesson; a highly personalized and relevant obstacle that pushes you to overcome fear. At least that's what I think; I have not completed this task but I truly believe that I am making marked progress...

I wonder how this will turn out...

I’m tired; tired of not feeling satisfied. I really don’t think I ask for too much; I like peace and quiet, good friends, good conversation. Easy, right? Apparently not. We are about to go eat lunch together and I don’t want to jinx it, but like yesterday, last week, last month and last year, I’m confident he will talk only about something he is selling or buying, work or he will be on the phone the entire time. I’m going to stop here and go have lunch, I wonder how this will turn out...

Well, he was on the phone while we drove, and talked about work, work, work, and projects, projects, projects while I ate in near silence. But I do have to say that he did leave his phone in the car when we went in to eat and he actually paid attention when I did speak.

He says he’s coming over tonight, that usually means, shopping on the internet, raiding my fridge and falling asleep on the couch… again, I wonder how this will turn out…

Random thoughts in April

Why am I still in this toxic relationship? Maybe it’s easier to be unhappy than going through the misery of relationship termination. He once told me that when he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore he would just start being a real ass hole so she would break it off between them; I don’t think he’s doing that to me. I think he’s just naturally selfish, uncaring and unreliable. Everyone deserves to be happy, even me.

out of order~ Oct. 19, 2009

i have become aware that, aside from my mother, aunts and cousins, there are two people in my life that i can really talk to.. i can tell them exactly how i feel and why i feel that way.. they don't try to fix my problems, they just listen and i am grateful

i have become aware that, of those wonderful people i just mentioned, i don't see any of them as much as i would like to, as much as i need to

i have become aware that, of all the other people in my life, the ones i am in contact with on a daily basis, none of them care too much about my well-being.. they all depend on me for one thing or another, but they don't care if i'm happy or sad, calm or mad.. they just take take take and don't bother to notice no one is taking care of me

i have become aware that i need a daily dose of happy.. do doctors write prescriptions for happy?

i have become aware that i can't take any of the pieces out of my life in an attempt to fix this, and my plate is too full to add more