A Temporary Bombardment

I'm on edge today.
Aggravated over being frustrated with myself.
Frustrated over being so irritated today.
Irritated with this empty, unfulfilled feeling.
I want less tension and more clam.
I want fewer stories and greater truth.

I am liquid...

The wave is always water. 

It is never born, it never dies.

A manifestation of circumstance.

The wave is always water. 

Like the water, I am liquid. 

Constantly moving, endlessly changing. 

Never the same from one moment to the next.

A manifestation of circumstance; I am liquid.

awesomeness!

I think I'm happier today than I have ever been before in my life. I don't mean the moment to moment moods caused by hugs and ice cream or arguments and stubbing your toe; I mean the general trend over days and weeks.

I have come to realize that life really is what you make it, those words aren't empty; you are what you eat and your thoughts do become things.

I'm impressed with my own ability to make real changes in my life, positive and negative. I have to power to be and do anything. I don't need to wait for someone to make a difference for me; I have everything I need to make all the difference in the world. You do too. Isn't that awesome?!

unsettled

It's been two weeks since we broke up. He won't leave me alone. It's getting frightening the way he shows up without an invitation; at home, at work, it's getting creepy. The look in his eyes is unsettling; slowly it's starting to feel like ice at the base of my neck when he's around.

The energy is building

Have you ever felt like something huge is about to happen? I can feel the energy building, swirling, changing... it's very exciting! I'm just going to 'keep my eyes on the prize' and make the right decisions, that is important to do. I also need to wipe clean the fog of negativity that builds around me; I do contribute to that fog myself sometimes. But I really think that some of my negative fog is absorbed from outside sources. BIG CHANGES ARE COMING!

were your parents like this? he asks

It's hard and frightening, opening up to another person, telling them EVERYTHING you dream, fear, every little piece of light and darkness about yourself... It's disappointing and damaging, trying to open up and having someone interrupt with THEIR ideas about your dream or a dismissal of your fears while not appreciating your light and making you feel ashamed of your darkness... The dark side of a person has a purpose, it's a lesson; a highly personalized and relevant obstacle that pushes you to overcome fear. At least that's what I think; I have not completed this task but I truly believe that I am making marked progress...

I wonder how this will turn out...

I’m tired; tired of not feeling satisfied. I really don’t think I ask for too much; I like peace and quiet, good friends, good conversation. Easy, right? Apparently not. We are about to go eat lunch together and I don’t want to jinx it, but like yesterday, last week, last month and last year, I’m confident he will talk only about something he is selling or buying, work or he will be on the phone the entire time. I’m going to stop here and go have lunch, I wonder how this will turn out...

Well, he was on the phone while we drove, and talked about work, work, work, and projects, projects, projects while I ate in near silence. But I do have to say that he did leave his phone in the car when we went in to eat and he actually paid attention when I did speak.

He says he’s coming over tonight, that usually means, shopping on the internet, raiding my fridge and falling asleep on the couch… again, I wonder how this will turn out…