.

This fucking sucks. That is all.

A bit of sadness

October 4th, 2005 I got divorced. It wasn't a messy or drawn out event; we talked about everything in private, waited together on the bench outside the courtroom and went to the judge with our own notarized agreement, in and out. I'm glad we got divorced; if we had stayed married, we'd hate each other by now... we're buds though :)

It was easy and sad to be getting divorced. I walked back to work, hid in the bathroom with Steve and cried a while; it was hard to see my ex-husband walk away looking defeated with his head dropped like that.

Six years later, almost to the day I find myself in the very same courthouse with Steve standing across the courtroom. We're not getting divorced because we were never married but today marks a legal end to our relationship. It's been a long time since I had to stand in a courtroom and it's been a long 15 months leading up to this day. This is the way it needs to be, this is the way I want it to be; but there is still a bit of sadness about it all.

I sat in my car for a while after leaving the courthouse this morning and saw Steve in my mirror with that same walk, head dropped, bright white papers in-hand; I couldn't help but sit in my car on this dreary, drizzling day and cry alone for a while.

oscillation

"Oscillation is the repetitive variation, typically in time, of some measure about a central value (often a point of equilibrium) or between two or more different states. Familiar examples include a swinging pendulum and AC power. The term vibration is sometimes used more narrowly to mean a mechanical oscillation but sometimes is used to be synonymous with "oscillation". Oscillations occur not only in physical systems but also in biological systems and in human society."


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oscillation

it just seemed appropriate right now and I can't even explain why.. some other time I'll come back to this and elaborate 

Beware the Soap Bubble

A weightless floating rainbow
beautiful in it's swirling trickery
shines silently in the sun.

It's enchanting from afar
reach out and your hand is left cold and wet
voice fondness and it breaks apart leaving a bitter taste in your mouth.

... I won't be there no more, so get out of my way, let me by!

Well you can tell ev'ryone I'm a down disgrace
Drag my name all over the place.
I don't care anymore.
You can tell ev'rybody 'bout the state I'm in
You won't catch me crying 'cos I just can't win.
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

I don't care what you say
I don't play the same games you play.

'Cos I've been talking to the people that you call your friends
And it seems to me there's a means to and end.
They don't care anymore.
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.
I don't care anymore I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
We never played by the same rules anyway.

I won't be there anymore
Get out of my way
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

Well, I don't care now what you say
'Cos ev'ry day I'm feeling fine with myself
And I don't care now what you say
Hey I'll do alright by myself
'Cos I know.

'Cos I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face 'cos you held all the cards.
I don't care anymore.
And I really ain't bothered what you think of me
'Cos all I want of you is just a let me be.
I don't care anymore D'you hear? I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
I never did believe you much anyway.

I won't be there no more
So get out of my way.
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore
D'you hear? I don't care anymore
I don't care no more
You listening? I don't care no more
No more!

You know I don't care no more!

Over-thinking

I'm holding my breath; waiting to have the wind knocked out of me.

Anticipation of something... I can't quite put my finger on it.

Do I just keep holding my breath and wait?

Brace for a catastrophic impact?

Rebuild the damned wall?

Run and hide?

?

Go with it?

Tear down all defenses?

Prepare for the time of my life?

Do I just keep holding my breath and wait?

Anticipate something great that I can't quite put my finger on?

I'm holding my breath; waiting to have the wind knocked out of me.

A Temporary Bombardment

I'm on edge today.
Aggravated over being frustrated with myself.
Frustrated over being so irritated today.
Irritated with this empty, unfulfilled feeling.
I want less tension and more clam.
I want fewer stories and greater truth.

I am liquid...

The wave is always water. 

It is never born, it never dies.

A manifestation of circumstance.

The wave is always water. 

Like the water, I am liquid. 

Constantly moving, endlessly changing. 

Never the same from one moment to the next.

A manifestation of circumstance; I am liquid.

awesomeness!

I think I'm happier today than I have ever been before in my life. I don't mean the moment to moment moods caused by hugs and ice cream or arguments and stubbing your toe; I mean the general trend over days and weeks.

I have come to realize that life really is what you make it, those words aren't empty; you are what you eat and your thoughts do become things.

I'm impressed with my own ability to make real changes in my life, positive and negative. I have to power to be and do anything. I don't need to wait for someone to make a difference for me; I have everything I need to make all the difference in the world. You do too. Isn't that awesome?!